Number 20: Infiniti.
If you’re wondering how bad owning an Infiniti is, if you were stupid enough to purchase an Infiniti QX70 S Auto 3.0 diesel SUV in 2014 - early $90,000s on the road, you’ll trade it in today for about $27,000.
Call it two-thirds of the capital investment up in smoke in four years.
Number 19: Citroen. Gorgeous design. Average reliability at best. Crap support, historically, although a new distributor might put a dent in that over time. But virtually zero sales - they don’t even manage to sell 50 Citroens a month.
Number 18: MINI. I know. I watched The Italian Job, too - both versions. I get it. But the novelty is going to wear off.
Some poor bastard paid about $65,000 for the shitbox convertible MINI roadster John Cooper Works auto in 2014 and trades it in today for early $20s.
Number 17: Volvo. Don’t waste my time. Volvo is nowhere, commercially. It’s a joke. Styling is great; they drive OK, too. But reliability and support in Australia is shit.
But resale is where Volvo really is number one in number twos. Imagine being the poor sap who bought the MY15 flagship XC60 T6 R-Design.
More than $80k on the road back then down to about $30k for a trade-in today.
Number 16: Jaguar. In ‘Straya, reliability and support are crap - that’s the price of admission. Sales have plummeted since 2016, and resale is a disaster. But aside from that, great idea.
Number 15: Land Rover. It’s everything I said about Jaguar, with added off-road capability. You do not need a Land Rover in your life.
Number 14 - another joke brand: Peugeot. Sales, nowhere. Reliability, nowhere. Support, nowhere. Resale, nowhere. Beautiful styling, though. The fantasy that gets people across the line is: European quality. A step up.
Let’s do two for one now: 12 and 13 - Nissan and Renault. When these companies merged, it was a bad deal for Nissan and a good deal for Renault. But, inevitably, Renault ‘tech’ metastasized into Nissan’s lineup. That was bad. Then the GFC hit, and Nissan suffered irreversible brain damage. And then there’s Nissan’s appalling Jatco CVT transmissions, which are the least reliable in the universe.
Number 11: Mercedes-Benz.Unfortunately, Mercedes-Benz is the worst premium carmaker for customer support. They are the Antichrist at this. This company seems to think Australian Consumer Law is optional, or negotiable. Something those dicks are above.
They are complete arseholes when you have a problem, and they will fight you every inch of the way - to the point of exhaustion.
My strong advice is: Buy a BMW or a Lexus.
Let’s do a mass extinction now: 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10: Everything from Fiat Chrysler. That means Alfa Romeo, Fiat, Chrysler, Jeep and Dodge. This company has the worst combination of poor reliability and shit support. They are truly terrible.
Jeep - the biggest of Fiat Chrysler’s crap brands - managed to inflict more than 30,000 of its shitheaps on unsuspecting ‘Strayans in 2014. But word quickly got around.
They sold only about 8000 in 2017. That has to be commercially unsustainable.
Another mass extinction now: Numbers 3, 4 and 5: Volkswagen, and related shitbox brands Audi and Skoda. This is the company decided it was OK to kill thousands of people prematurely by cheating emissions regulations in a massive, global criminal conspiracy.
It is completely immoral and unimaginably wicked for a carmaker to do this. This was not an accident. It was a calculated criminal conspiracy.
Number two: Ford. Ford is in the worst shape of all time. Globally they are looking to cut $11 billion (US dollars) from the salary budget and more than $20 billion in total from operating costs.
Markets like ours don’t make Ford any money. There are going to be major cuts.
Ford’s engineering is reprehensibly bad, and the company also seems to take delight in not only breaching its consumer law obligations, but (reprehensibly enough) bending you over and profiteering from you, when you are up against it with one of their shit cars.
The number one brand that you should not buy, is Holden. Holden is on the fast track to failure. Poor quality, shit products, terrible support. It’s the unholy trinity of dice rolling with every purchase.
But what really does it for me, with Holden, is trust. You cannot trust Holden. In 2012, Holden accepted a $275 million taxpayer-funded government rescue package. A parachute, stuffed with your money.
They promised to invest $1bn in Australian manufacturing, to keep Australian manufacturing alive for at least a decade.
The next year, they announced the closure of the factory. They kept the money. They didn’t make the investment.
In January 2017 Holden quietly sent $150 million back to Detroit - as part of a bullshit balance sheet restructuring. Kinda says it all right there, don’t you think, about Holden’s purported commitment to Australia? Doing business with Holden is like joining Hannibal Lecter for dinner.
Number 20: Infiniti.